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Monday, May 26, 2014

5:00

This has not been the easiest week. I have no idea why, there were no special days this week that triggered memories, no birthdays, no holidays, but for some reason emotions were all over, especially in me. 
The after school/evening times seem to be the hardest for me. I come home from work tired and drained and here are these two sweet kiddos who both want all my love and attention, (SG really just wants to eat, as she brings me any food she can reach and says. "Ease?"....translation, please?). There's homework to be done and dinner to make. I'm sure any mom can relate to these moments because I just don't have enough hands for everything they need. All my children have gone through this stage where they hit the 5:00 hour and they turn into little monsters....yes even the cutest of my children have a whole other side come 5!  SG wants to be held, be fed, pull every cabinet open, go in any room with an open door, unpack my purse, hit her brother....you name it, she's into it.  You can't fault her, she's walking everywhere now and exploring her world, she's also really good at testing every boundary she can dream off (she is so her sister, just at a much younger age!) 
(Standing up in her chair...she just learned this little trick...the chair was eventually taken away, because she won't sit in it!)

And then there's Noah. He loves to talk. Ellie was his best friend, they talked and played all the time, even if they were fighting, they were still playing. Now he has no one except me, since SG isn't always the best playmate!  When the crazy 5:00 hour hits, I miss her so much because the fact that she's not here is so obvious. Noah is almost 6, SG just hit 14 months....there's this large age gap that some chubby cheeks used to fill. 

Despite the toughness of this week for me, God has made sure that Richard could be the strong one this week. Finally after many tears last weekend he finally told me to get in the car, we were going to the cemetary.  I've struggled with the cemetary honestly. I never know what to do there. I know that only her body is there, and I kept telling myself that I don't need to go there to feel close to her.  Almost like I had convinced myself that I was weak if I needed to go there, I know it sounds crazy, but that's the only way I can think to describe it. So we loaded up and headed out.  As I sat down beside her plot and Richard took the kids, I was overwhelmed with sadness. It seems with each passing month I miss her more and more. I had this overwhelming urge to lay down on the ground beside her. Of course I couldn't get over my grown up pride so I didn't. Noah finally joined me, and took the flower I brought with me and asked which end Ellie's head was at, so that he could put it there like it was in her hair. He made me smile. As we were about to leave, Noah laid right down next to her...wish I had his bravery sometimes! He was sad and expressed it much better than I had been this past week. 

I know this walk is going to get harder with the upcoming birthdays, more holidays, and our new addition. I know there will be more enjoyment. There will be more smiles and more heartache. I'm just so grateful that when I'm falling apart, The Lord has blessed me with two amazing boys that know exactly what I need when I need it. 

Last weekend we attended part of the Relay for Life event in the county where I work. It was the first time I'd ever participated as someone personally effected by cancer. I really enjoyed myself, and once it got dark and the luminaries were lit, the tears flowed freely, but my heart was filled. We found numerous bags around the track done for Ellie. Noah loved them and would quickly drop to the ground to read them.

 And like the amazing little boy he is, he turned around and wrapped one skinny little arm around me and one around Richard, for a good ol family hug! (Ok now that I write this I realized where a lot of the emotions from this past week came from!)

Lots of prayers this week for those who have lost a loved one. Many of them have weighed heavy on my heart this week. Would you join in me in praying that they would feel the peace that only God can give?

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33


Prayers, Praise and Pink

Carly





2 comments:

Anonymous said...

God bless you

Anonymous said...

Carly - I'm not a parent, but lost my nephew Chris, my brother's only child to a hit and run driver back in 2003. Chris was 16 yrs old. I remember going to the cemetery to talk to him. I remember taking off on my lunch hour from work to go across the river and sit at his grave and eat my lunch and talk to him. In the beginning it felt like the place i would be closest to him. Now 10 yrs later I feel like I can talk to him wherever I am and don't feel that same connection to his resting place. I know that he is with me and around me always. As your little girl is with all of you. I want to send you big hugs and lots of love on this grief journey. I found that as time went by it felt more "real" for some reason and was harder. The harshness of all the things he was missing in his life and our family life hits like a brick sometimes. You are a close family and you will find more happiness and joy ahead. Hugs to you all. Karen Bascom Paul